Sorry that mommy and daddy sometimes aren’t in the mood to be mommy and daddy
1. This made me feel like it was my fault
2. Because I don’t have that luxury of slowing down and relaxing anymore as well, even if it was the weekend or weekday. So I felt daddy’s “sadness” shouldn’t be as bad as how mommy should feel.
Nevertheless, those were daddy’s feelings and they were valid. And I could not shake it off that it was my fault, Even though I know it was not, he being negative and down all day affected me so much, and that was more of why I was so upset.
I had to take you out of the house to get some sun and air, drove by Tim Hortons for donuts and had a quick picnic at the park. I hope you remember the nice things we did, though I doubt you will. It was a nice afternoon, you were so cute you were walking and I didn’t realize you left behind your other slipper so you were walking at least 15ft without one of your slippers on. Haha You also had your first donut (mommy ate all the sprinkles, you ate the bread part) and licked the whipped cream off my iced capp. It was scorching hot, but we spent maybe 20 minutes in the pavillion of Denison Park. I wish it wasn’t so hot, I would have loved to just hang out with you under the sun. I wish for more carefree days like this.
Maybe it’s cabin fever, what’s happening with your dad and I. Maybe it’s the fact that we have been holed up in a 1200 sq ft basement apartment for the past few months, and could not do activities because of covid. There was nothing else to do except watch The Wiggles with you and eat. Our daily walks were sort of our “break” from being stuck home all day, and even though it was SUPER HOT, we still went anyways. If you stay tanned even until your adulthood, blame summer of 2020 when we made you come with us to these walks to the park.
Anyways, maybe mommy is just upset because daddy wasn’t feeling it today, wasn’t up to be a daddy and I had to suck it up and take over the parenting today. We had agreed to take turns for one day a weekend to have a morning to ourselves, and it was my morning of me-time today. I guess I’m upset because we agreed to this, and even though I took over right at 12 noon onwards, but he was still complaining. And whenever I feel the same, not feeling up to being a mommy, I just had to suck it up. I complain by I still take care of you because being a mommy is who I am now, there are no weekends, no day offs, no time outs from this new roles. So maybe when daddy wasn’t feeling it, I did not understand. Maybe I wanted him to suck it up too because being a daddy is a full time role now, and he cannot afford to take days off. I wanted him to suck it up because I was the one who slept on the living room floor the night before, and had only spent me-time from 10:30am to 12nn that day, took over the rest of the afternoon and evening. I did a lot that day, and he was the one dragging the day down.
I keep blaming daddy for his reaction to how the day went, and it’s valid, it’s just not “as intense” as how my day went, and maybe I’m upset because I’m comparing. His feelings are totally valid, and so are mine. All in all, I’m upset because he dragged the day down, the day that could have been perfectly fine.
But anyways, again, none of this is your fault. This is what is going on in mommy’s head, and daddy’s head, our responses to the situation we have on our hands. And this blog was mommy’s way to deal with her postpartum anxieties, to have “someone” to bounce off her thoughts with, even if she hasn’t told anyone about this blog.
I hope someday when you become a mommy, you handle it better than I do. I will do everything I can to help you, but I pray you’ll be stronger than I am. I hope you don’t grow up to resent me or daddy, because we’ve gone through so much in only just a year of your life. I know it is all worth it, because you are worth it, because you are our life now. Mommy and Daddy just need to transition to getting used to it.
Sorry my love, we’ll do better tomorrow.
We love you always and forever,
Mommy
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