Dear Amelie
Dear Amelie,
Right at this moment you are asleep and feeding from me, something we rarely do anymore since we started sleep training you. I miss these moments, but today was a little difficult for me so I appreciate the down and quiet time. Thank you.
I am writing because today, or rather the past couple of days, starts the journey of mommy’s self-care. I am done feeling worthless, of feeling like I’m not a good mom because I can’t take care of you without breaking down. Other moms have their lives under control, I do not. Some days, I say “okay, I totally do not have control of things, I am doomed for life” but some days, I am learning to be okay with that.
I wrote a lengthy post last Mother’s Day that I want to repost on her for documentation:
My first mother’s day is not at all what I imagined it to be. I was looking forward to treating myself to a massage, getting my hair done, and eating eat all you can sushi. We all know none of that is happening today.
Aside from this pandemic happening, I am also having a difficult time accepting that this is my motherhood experience. I thought I would have it easy, having been a preschool teacher for a couple of years. I thought, I know how to handle kids, I got this. How hard can it be. I thought I was well prepared, and buying all the fancy baby stuff would equip me for this role of a lifetime. I have done my research, and with my psychology degree, I was confident that I am backed up with knowledge on children. I am a strong, independent woman, I have a loving and supportive husband, I got this.
However, I was not prepared for my mental health to take a hit. I cannot remember how this all started, I was fine in the first few months. I was overwhelmed at this bundle of joy I brought life to, fruit of our love, a human so tiny but bringing so much joy and love. I was focused on recovering from childbirth, and just getting to know the baby.
Then after a few months, I started having anxiety attacks, and my emotions were just over the place. I had no household help to assist with chores, no nearby family to take over, no “village” to raise this child with me. I was not prepared to be this drained, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not prepared to go on a downward spiral from having intrusive thoughts, to feeling worthless, to feeling that I am no longer myself. The Timee that I once used to be is just gone, and I felt that my soul is dying a very very slow death. And this was hard for me to accept, that I am no longer me, that I was a slave to my emotions, that this was my motherhood experience. I refused to accept it. I kept brushing off these episodes, and saying I am fine the next day. Some moms seem to have it under control. Just keep swimming, Timee. This will tide over.
But that isn’t the case, and now I am just going further down, and with this pandemic just adding oil to my spiral, I am no longer in control of my thoughts or emotions. This also hasn’t been easy for Jeremy, and I can imagine all this having an effect on Amelie as well. So, I am done. I am accepting this reality, that this is my motherhood experience, and I need to move forward.
This Mother’s Day, I am deciding to finally seek the help I need, for my sake, and for my family’s sake. I am writing this to mark the start of this journey. I am writing this to let other new moms like me know that they aren’t alone, that there is an end to all of this, and that your efforts, all the tears, sore breasts and sleepless nights, are not going unnoticed. That behind the cute instagram stories, cuddles and giggles, behind the images of a fun and loving life with a baby, is an exhausted, drained and emotional mother. Nobody ever talks about this side of motherhood, (or at least I have never heard of it) so this is me talking about it. Some moms may have their stuff together, but that’s not my reality, and this is me accepting it. This is my motherhood experience.
So, to my mom friends, new mom friends, moms and grandmoms, I salute you for conquering this huge feat in your life of raising children. We may have different experiences, but you deserve to be but on a pedestal for being a strong woman. To your husbands, partners, father of your children, you deserve to be praised today as well for supporting mothers the way you do. Thank you, Jeremy, for still holding my hand even when the tide is trying to drown me.
To my non-parent friends reading this, please show mad respect for your mothers. It really is true what they say, “wait till you have kids of your own, then you’ll know how it feels” Always be grateful for them and never ever take them for granted, no matter your differences.
Despite everything, I am grateful to Amelie, my life and love, for making me a mother. I am humbled and honoured to raise a beautiful and loving person. You have paved this way for this new self, that I am still trying to figure out. You make me want to be better and stronger. Just bear with mommy for a bit, still under construction but business as usual. Mommy loves you, no matter what.
Happy Mother’s Day to me, to you, to your moms, aunts and grandmothers, your mother figures. You are amazing. 🙌🏻
I love you, Amelie, no matter what.
Love,
Mommy
Right at this moment you are asleep and feeding from me, something we rarely do anymore since we started sleep training you. I miss these moments, but today was a little difficult for me so I appreciate the down and quiet time. Thank you.
I am writing because today, or rather the past couple of days, starts the journey of mommy’s self-care. I am done feeling worthless, of feeling like I’m not a good mom because I can’t take care of you without breaking down. Other moms have their lives under control, I do not. Some days, I say “okay, I totally do not have control of things, I am doomed for life” but some days, I am learning to be okay with that.
I wrote a lengthy post last Mother’s Day that I want to repost on her for documentation:
My first mother’s day is not at all what I imagined it to be. I was looking forward to treating myself to a massage, getting my hair done, and eating eat all you can sushi. We all know none of that is happening today.
Aside from this pandemic happening, I am also having a difficult time accepting that this is my motherhood experience. I thought I would have it easy, having been a preschool teacher for a couple of years. I thought, I know how to handle kids, I got this. How hard can it be. I thought I was well prepared, and buying all the fancy baby stuff would equip me for this role of a lifetime. I have done my research, and with my psychology degree, I was confident that I am backed up with knowledge on children. I am a strong, independent woman, I have a loving and supportive husband, I got this.
However, I was not prepared for my mental health to take a hit. I cannot remember how this all started, I was fine in the first few months. I was overwhelmed at this bundle of joy I brought life to, fruit of our love, a human so tiny but bringing so much joy and love. I was focused on recovering from childbirth, and just getting to know the baby.
Then after a few months, I started having anxiety attacks, and my emotions were just over the place. I had no household help to assist with chores, no nearby family to take over, no “village” to raise this child with me. I was not prepared to be this drained, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not prepared to go on a downward spiral from having intrusive thoughts, to feeling worthless, to feeling that I am no longer myself. The Timee that I once used to be is just gone, and I felt that my soul is dying a very very slow death. And this was hard for me to accept, that I am no longer me, that I was a slave to my emotions, that this was my motherhood experience. I refused to accept it. I kept brushing off these episodes, and saying I am fine the next day. Some moms seem to have it under control. Just keep swimming, Timee. This will tide over.
But that isn’t the case, and now I am just going further down, and with this pandemic just adding oil to my spiral, I am no longer in control of my thoughts or emotions. This also hasn’t been easy for Jeremy, and I can imagine all this having an effect on Amelie as well. So, I am done. I am accepting this reality, that this is my motherhood experience, and I need to move forward.
This Mother’s Day, I am deciding to finally seek the help I need, for my sake, and for my family’s sake. I am writing this to mark the start of this journey. I am writing this to let other new moms like me know that they aren’t alone, that there is an end to all of this, and that your efforts, all the tears, sore breasts and sleepless nights, are not going unnoticed. That behind the cute instagram stories, cuddles and giggles, behind the images of a fun and loving life with a baby, is an exhausted, drained and emotional mother. Nobody ever talks about this side of motherhood, (or at least I have never heard of it) so this is me talking about it. Some moms may have their stuff together, but that’s not my reality, and this is me accepting it. This is my motherhood experience.
So, to my mom friends, new mom friends, moms and grandmoms, I salute you for conquering this huge feat in your life of raising children. We may have different experiences, but you deserve to be but on a pedestal for being a strong woman. To your husbands, partners, father of your children, you deserve to be praised today as well for supporting mothers the way you do. Thank you, Jeremy, for still holding my hand even when the tide is trying to drown me.
To my non-parent friends reading this, please show mad respect for your mothers. It really is true what they say, “wait till you have kids of your own, then you’ll know how it feels” Always be grateful for them and never ever take them for granted, no matter your differences.
Despite everything, I am grateful to Amelie, my life and love, for making me a mother. I am humbled and honoured to raise a beautiful and loving person. You have paved this way for this new self, that I am still trying to figure out. You make me want to be better and stronger. Just bear with mommy for a bit, still under construction but business as usual. Mommy loves you, no matter what.
Happy Mother’s Day to me, to you, to your moms, aunts and grandmothers, your mother figures. You are amazing. 🙌🏻
I love you, Amelie, no matter what.
Love,
Mommy
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